You can Catch More Flies with Honey
by dryinkwell
Summary: Zim has an evil plan, but Dib plans to find out what it is in an unusual way. minor ZADR
1. You can Catch More Flies with Honey

Oh how I hate him!"

Zim was watching Dib as he sat on the other side of the class, taking avid notes. He wasn't scrawling down Ms. Bitter's current lecture, but rather he had been documenting Zim's actions that day. Dib kept a multitude of logs and folders on paranormal activity, but the majority of his work was dedicated to studying Zim. There was no way he was going to let the intruder destroy his home planet, so every detail he noticed was vital.

"Annoying little worm," Zim thought to himself, ignoring the droning of Ms. Bitter's rant on global warming. "Never leaving me alone to enslave the filthy beasts on this horrible rock. It's not as though he can stop me anyway. All he does is stall my progress, but I will get him! Oh how I'll get him! He'll regret he ever wasted time trying to foil my plans of inevitable doom!"

Much to the class's relief, the dismissal bell had rung. Kids started pouring out of the school for the weekend. Some followed friends home while others joined each other on the school lawn. Dib, however, followed Zim. The strange yet unsuspected green kid made his way home alone, or so he thought, with images of Earthly conquest floating around in his mind. How would he next attempt to gain total control over the world? What would be difficult for the Dib creature to interfere? What was the humans' greatest weakness? He hated to admit it, but Zim could still not determine what it was that made humans tick. He could not understand how they had been able to overcome all his previous attacks.

As Zim walked home, he was greeted by a hyperactive android, horribly disguised as what was intended to be a dog. "Howdy!" Gir greeted as Zim walked in the door.

"Not now, Gir," Zim ordered, refusing the tuna sandwich the robot had extended to him. "We have to prepare our next attack on the humans. What's the humans' greatest weakness?"

"Tacos!" Gir shouted uncontrollably. "Tacos, tacos, tacos, tacos, tacos … and BEANS!"

"No, I believe that's your greatest weakness, Gir. I'm thinking something along the lines of melting the polar ice caps and, uhhh… drowning everyone… or something. I am ZIM!" And with those words, Zim headed outside to fetch the materials necessary to build a device powerful enough to melt the artic icebergs. In the bushes, Dib had been waiting for the instant Zim left his base.

"I know you're up to something! What is it? Huh? Huh? HUH? What's your next plan, Zim? Gonna turn us all into giant floating bunnies, or do you plan to fry our organs in bacon fat?" Dib continued to yell and point accusingly at Zim for quite some time before Zim finally became sickened by the excessive ranting.

"You expect me to tell you Zim's amazing plan! Be gone with you! You shall all find out soon enough when I strip you and everyone else of all hope and freedom. It won't belong before you are all slaves to the Irken machine!" Upon finishing his threat, Zim dashed off to the nearest junk yard to forge for scrap parts, intrigued with the idea of giant floating bunnies.

Dib headed home, wondering how he'd ever discover Zim's latest strategy for world domination. When he first opened the door he noticed Gaz sitting on the couch playing her Game Slave, as usual. "Where have you been, moron? Dad says he's not going to be home tonight, so why don't you order up a pizza?" There was a slight pause as Dib stood lost in his own thoughts, silence filling the room. He came to when he heard his sister's voice again. "Well? Don't just stand there, stupid! It's getting late and I'm hungry! Besides, I'm too busy defeating the zombie boss on level 16 to order it myself."

Dib resented his sister's constant insults. She was hardly ever tolerant of him, even when he was just standing around minding his own business. "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar," Dib retorted as to quote an old cliché. Then he paused and thought to himself, repeating barley audibly, "You can catch more flies with honey." 


	2. The Plan

"My Tallest! My Tallest! Hey! Hey! Hey! My Tallest!" Zim continued in varying tones. "My Taaaaaalllllleeeeest! It is Zim! I have a report! My Tallest!"

"Shut up! Shut up, Zim! We heard you the first twenty times! My GAWD!" Purple had been annoyed to the point of yelling, however Red figured that the sooner they heard Zim out, the sooner they could cut off his transmission.

"What is it, Zim?" Red questioned, the word "Zim" rolling off his tongue with great disgust.

Zim was overly eager to explain his new visions to his almighty leaders. "I have new plans for the conquest of Earth! I am currently in the process of building a giant machine capable of—"

"Yeah, yeah," Red cut him off. "We have Flobee on another signal, Zim. Tell us later."

"Or not," Purple added without the slightest hint of sarcasm in his voice.

The transmission was terminated, and Zim was left talking to his computer. "Computer! You must know of my amazing plan!"

"I already know."

"You do? But I haven't had the chance to dramatically reveal my super amazing Zim plan," Zim explained histrionically.

"I'm your computer. I already know what all your plans are."

"Oh, okay then. Gir!" Gir fell out of an air vent at Zim's feet after the summoning. "Gir! You shall know of your master's amazing plan of doom for Earth!"

"My head's flat as a pancake!" Gir exclaimed, prodding at his metal cranium.

"Ooookaaaaay…." Zim eyed the robot curiously. Even if he had revealed his plan to Gir, the robot wouldn't have the intelligence to appreciate its complexity. Seeing as how it was Monday morning, Zim gave up and decided to head for skool.

"Mornin' Zim! Beautiful day, isn't it?" Dib ran to catch up to Zim along the sidewalk on the way to class.

"Its no different from any other stupid Earth day." Zim gave Dib an evil glance. "Stop following me, Dib pig."

"What's wrong, Zim? Evil scheme not coming along so well?"

"NO! It's coming along just fine, for your information." Zim retorted.

"Well, what is it?" Dib asked for the second time in two days, hoping to finally get some answers. Zim eyed Dib skeptically. He had neither insulted him nor gone off on his accusing tangents all morning. Zim, anxious to explain his plan anyway, finally gave in.

"It's not as though you'll be able to stop me anyway, but if you must know, I'm going to flood the earth by melting the polar ice caps. And while the humans struggle, I'll be miles away in my space station, calling the fleet to prepare to enslave you all!" Zim explained his plan in great detail, feeling very proud of himself while Dib soaked in all the information. At lunch the two sat together as Zim boasted and Dib listened. Gaz was very thankful to have the afternoon to herself.

"So, when can I see this thing?" Dib questioned.

"What? You expect me to let you…" Zim thought for a second. "So you want to marvel at my amazing contraption before you die, huh? Okay. Stop by after skool today to meet the machine responsible for your future demise." It was then that Dib realized that by pretending to be kind to Zim, only then could he lead him into a false sense of security and get his way. 


	3. Too Close for Comfort

Dib stood at Zim's fence, cautiously awaiting for something to happen. He'd never walked up to Zim's house in broad daylight before without some sort of cloak or disguise, and the whole situation made him kind of nervous. He took one step onto the pavement when immediately the lawn gnomes had gone in for the kill.

Zim had opened the front door just as the gnomes had each grabbed an appendage and started to drag Dib off. Dib was about to yell at Zim for lying, but before he could speak he heard Zim shout, "Gnomes! Release him!" And they did.

"Uh, thanks Zim." Dib had still been waiting for some kind of trick, but he knew he couldn't pass up the opportunity to be escorted into Zim's base.

Zim just eyed Dib accusingly. "You're not hiding any cameras or explosives, are you?" Dib normally would have brought some sort of filming equipment, but the unusual circumstances had caused him to forget.

"No, I don't have…"

"GIR! Frisk him!" Zim cut Dib off. The little robot was out in a flash, checking Dib's pockets and feeling for anything hidden in his clothing. Gir's tiny hands tickled, and Zim eyed Dib every time he tried holding in his snerks and giggles.

"Clean and unarmed," Gir reported.

"Alright, come in," Zim said, shooting Dib a warning glare. "And don't touch anything!"

Dib walked in the oddly shaped house, relieved that he didn't have to worry about being ambushed this time. Zim took him down to one of the house's sublevels where a prototype and an incomplete frame of the death machine resided. "I'm not finished, but it's already terrifying, is it not?" Zim stood with his fists on his hips and a smirk on his face, staring up at his invention very proudly. He turned on the machine to test it. "Hmm, it still doesn't get hot enough yet."

At this point Dib was getting very warm, but he didn't want to say anything to upset Zim and get himself kicked out. Instead he just took off his trench coat and tried to grin and bear it. Then it got to a point where Dib couldn't stand it any longer.

"I'm just gonna turn it down a little," Dib said and he stretched his arm out for the machine.

"NO! I said don't touch anything!" In an instant Zim had tackled Dib to the ground, worried about human filth coming in contact with his creation.

Dib had tried to be nice, but he just couldn't stand it anymore. He wrestled with Zim on the floor until he had the Irken pinned, straddling him and grasping his wrists in his own fists. Zim seemed to be squirming more than ever in the attempt to free himself.

"Get off of me!" Zim demanded in failed attempts. Dib hadn't been hurting him or anything… just holding him down. He realized that this aggravated Zim more that quick pain. He'd kicked and punched Zim on the playground before, but that didn't seem to bother him as much as prolonged contact with human flesh.

If being nice to Zim had gotten him this far, imagine where he could go by being really nice to him.

With this thought, Dib touched Zim's face. Zim winced, eyes clamped shut and teeth tightly bared. Then Dib leaned in closer to where Zim could feel his breathing. Zim began to sweat, but Dib wasn't sure whether it was from the heat of the machine or because he had been making Zim so tense. Dib began to sweat too, but he had already taken his trench coat off. All that was left was his shirt, so he sat up and stripped it off as well. Zim wanted to do the same, but it was his only layer of protection against contact with the Dib human.

Dib stared Zim back in the eyes. "What do you want? Why won't you get off of me?"

"I will," Dib explained. "But only if you're willing to reason with me."

"What did you have in mind?" Zim asked disgustedly.

"Give up trying to enslave the earth."

"Never!"

"Okay, you asked for it!" And with those words, Dib leaned in up to Zim's face and gave him a kiss so strong it sucked the life out of the Irken's lungs.

As Dib backed up, Zim began to choke and wheeze. "What the heck was that!"

Dib sat back startled at himself, not knowing what to say. "Well, you asked for it." Both sat silently, staring at each other, confused and unknowing of what to make of the situation. Then Dib decided to lean in again. Curious, Zim didn't squirm this time. He accepted Dib's second kiss, feeling as though he had some kind of control over him. Zim didn't want to admit it to himself, but he knew that Dib's act had fooled him. He was only being kind so that he could see his base. Well, now Dib was becoming more submissive with every kiss and touch Zim returned. Maybe he could use this human act of kindness to his advantage as well. 


End file.
